Worst way to potty train ever.

What you are about to read is not good parenting, not at all. But we, the parents of the Tank, are tired of diapers. The Tank is not tired of them at all, but we don't care. Please click on the ads on this page as we are going to need a ton of money for therapy, now that we have decided to ruin his life. So, here it is, the worst potty training method ever...drumroll...wait for it...

We started putting him in underpants.

I told him diapers are too small for him. They do, however, fit him at night, as TF* has no desire to change the bedsheets every morning. We're at the beach this week, where most of the floors are hardwood, so an accident here or there doesn't really matter. It should be said, however, that they can't really be called accidents since he wasn't making an effort to use the potty. Can you fail at something you didn't know you were doing? Seriously, a few days into our trip, he's using the potty every so often by choice. We're down one pair of Bob the Builder briefs though, as TF made the executive decision to chuck all pooped-on pants directly into the garbage. I support this. Poop is gross.

Today, he went to the potty at the Joggling Board, a children's shop down here. He wasn't going to do it until I pointed out the cool blue water in the potty. Which he suddenly really wanted to pee in, perhaps to claim the cool blue water as his own. After this, I'm going to the store to get some of those smelly blue tablets for every single toilet we might encounter. I'll carry them in my purse. I'd rather do that than change another diaper. Do those things come in different colors? That could be fun.

This is a big week for the Tank. On his first day in underpants, he also learned to ride a bike. The lack of padding and the presence of the bike seat led to a lot of crotch grabbing and "I have an owie!" complaints. Didn't keep him off the bike, though. I think a child who can navigate a tiny bike through the legs of several adults without so much as grazing a toe can damn well use the potty.

If you were looking for further evidence of my stellar parenting, you won't find it here. This is the worst potty training attempt ever. Earlier this week, the Tank got hold of a pair of scissors. I took them from him and told him,

"Scissors are for guys who wear underpants and use the potty."

That seems fair, right? But I'm such a liar because I probably won't give him the scissors. Whatever. It's spring break, y'all. All about slacking off! Speaking of slacking off and less-than-perfect parenting, I made seven nine layer dip for dinner the other night. I think I should get extra credit for the two extra layers. I used the following layers:

• Refried beans, from a can, which I carefully assessed in the grocery store.
• Frozen corn, as per my brilliant sister's suggestion.
• Chopped green onions.
• Guacamole (I added a cucumber to the avocado in the blender, just like Gwyneth. Shhh...)
• Chopped tomato and salsa, from a can, of course.
• Shredded Mexican cheese blend, which I also carefully assessed in the grocery store. This one said "farmer-owned." And was the cheapest.
• Sour cream.
• Black olives.
• Cilantro.

I served it with chips, hot sauce, bubbly (for moi) and water (for everyone else, including TF, who still isn't drinking for Lent, but is planning to go nuts on Thursday, when his Lent** is over. Can't wait.) The dip was a hit. You can make it, too. Just layer seven to ten Mexican-type ingredients in a casserole dish. Or twenty in a trifle dish. If you do that, please send me a picture. This is mine:



And, for those of you who like this sort of thing, a close-up of the layers. Pretty!



Namasté, y'all!

* That's right, I make my husband change the kids' sheets. I'm the one with the stretch marks, so now it's his turn to suffer.

** His Lent is different from everyone else's. Don't ask.