The voice in my head.

My sister came over last night wearing a t-shirt that read,

"Phone is ringing. Oh my god."

You know that song. It’s in your head now, isn’t it? And you are powerless to stop it. If you don’t already own it, you’re looking for it on YouTube right this second. At my advanced age, I forget things. I couldn’t remember who did the song. I thought Beastie Boys, but added,

“I hear Q-Tip in my head.”

“Wow.” You might be thinking, right about now, as you’re rocking out to the Beastie Boys’ ‘Get it Together,’ featuring Q-Tip. “This chick needs to check her head*.” Anyhow, I found it on YouTube, as you have by now, and my sister and I rocked out for a bit, much to the disdain of the Tank, who rolled his eyes at my explanation,

“Aunt M and I are having a dance party!”

Disdain coming from a guy who can’t function unless he’s wearing his keerus pants is insulting. And I’ve had a bad week. Just kidding, I’ve had a great week. Just kidding, it was a stellar week peppered with minor inconveniences. Just kidding, they were major. Just kidding, they weren’t.



I guess Q-Tip just wasn’t giving me very good advice in my head. These are some things I wish he had shared:

“Don’t be lazy. Put your credit card back in your wallet while you’re pumping gas. Otherwise you’ll lose it. Really. And hang up the phone while you’re pumping gas, as it is distracting you. You won’t blow up**, like the warning sign implies, but you will probably drop your credit card.”

“Hey, girl. After you get money out of the ATM, put your debit card back in your wallet. Otherwise, you’ll lose it. And you’re already down a credit card.”

“Girl, now that you’re stuck writing checks, because you lost both your debit card and your credit card, put your damn driver’s license back in your wallet, not in the back pocket of your extremely low-riding neon yellow jeans. You’ll lose it. You really will. Then you’ll have to show your Sam’s Club card at the bank in a pathetic attempt to prove your lame identity.”

“Girl, before you spend thirty minutes letting the girl at the grocery store write down all of the information on your license so you can cash a check for over the amount, you need to ask if they will let you do that. Don’t assume the cashier looked at your check and noticed that it was written over, because she didn’t. She hates you. Everybody hates people who write checks at the grocery store.”

“When you leave the store, after they refuse to give you cash back, puh-leeze put the license back in your wallet. Otherwise, you will lose it.”

“Listen, girl. Be more careful with your phone. Otherwise, you will break it again. I don’t care if you have phone insurance. It will still be a major hassle.”

“Girl, have you ever thought about the fact that you have gone through four phones (same model) in less than a year? Maybe that isn’t the model for you. Really.”

“Hey, girl, I know you aren’t used to carrying cash, but that’s your only option at the moment, so figure out a place to keep it. Like in your wallet. Otherwise, you will lose it. Do I really need to tell you this?”

“By the way, I do like those neon jeans. You look good. And that thing you’re doing with all the un-matching necklaces? I like that too.”

Thank you, Q-Tip. Thanks for being there.

Namasté, y'all!

* Haha. Get it? Beastie Boys? Check Your Head? Get it?

** Or will I blow up? Just what is the deal with cell phones and pumping gas? Tell me. Because I use my phone while pumping gas in spite of the warning and I'm sick of feeling nervous about it.