Hey! You want to hear me on the radio? Do you? DO YOU?

Well, if you do want to hear me on the radio, you can!

Listen to me on the radio, right this very second.

Now a seasoned veteran at radio talking (three times, yo), I think I'm starting to sound a little less like a tranny and more like a born-female, which in fact I am. I don't care what my mother told you. Frank Knapp, host of U Need 2 Know, and Marti Bluestein, host of the Chick Chat segment, are very nice to let me on the show, because I do love to hear myself talk.

SO! [insert syrupy, southern accent here] HAVE Y'ALL DONE ALL YOUR SHOPPING? This question, usually followed by a litany about how hard it is to have money to buy presents and family to buy them for, must stop, along with all the complaints about hosting and attending parties. Last I checked, parties and presents and not being broke were considered to be good things. In fact, those three things top my list titled "Stuff I Like."

I also like Christmas trees, Santa Claus, appetizers, fancy shoes, massages, nice children...I even like children who just pretend to be nice. The Tank likes to wriggle between me and the back of my chair and offer me back rubs.

"You want back rub, Mom? Dat feels good?"

Yes, I do and yes, it does. It would be very nice if it lasted longer than four seconds and wasn't followed with an immediate request for cookies or wrestling or a movie or chocolate. But, gosh darn, that little fellow owns cute.

Hey, speaking of cute, donating money to worthy causes is one of the cutest things you can do. And it makes a great, passive-aggressive present. No matter how much they might have preferred a "real present," no one can complain when presented with a donation to a worthy cause made in their name. And you get the tax deduction. And they don't have to know how much or how little you donated. Best gift ever! You'll appear more thoughtful if you choose a charity based on the person you're donating for. My mother, for example, received a donation in her name to "Reformed Sex Workers Anonymous." If you don't have a reformed sex worker on your list, you may want to choose one of these:

Sistercare

St. Laurence Place

Harvest Hope

Oliver Gospel Mission

Children's Garden

Palmetto AIDS Life Support

Epworth Children's Home

Sexual Trauma Services of the Midlands

The Nurturing Center

CASA

The Family Shelter

MIRCI

Animal Protection League

The Heifer Project (this is a cool one for kids!)

The Free Medical Clinic

Go Red for Women

Most of those are local, as in where-I-live local, so you may want to explore options near you. In fact, I want you to give money so bad, if you email me your location and what sort of organization you want to help, I'll do my best to find one for you. True cliché: Even five dollars makes a difference.

Namasté, y'all!