Why I need to shorten my showers from two minutes to forty five seconds.

I was desperate. I had some stupid fantasy, the same one I have every day of my life, about appearing to the world as a fully bathed and dressed adult. Every now and then, I like to do that. It makes me feel competent. I really thought I could distract The Tank* with a movie while I took a shower. As I may have mentioned before, sometimes I ain't all that bright.

I took the most basic of showers. No hair washing, no shaving, no exfoliating. Just water and a hint of soap, not even fancy soap, just the basic. As soon as I shut off the water, and stood still, dripping wet, listening for any small sound that would indicate destruction. I didn't hear a small sound. I heard this:

HAhaha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAA, HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

It was deep and guttural, unrecognizable. I threw on the closest bathrobe I could find and tore into the kitchen, ready to do battle with the cartoon villain attacking my precious toddler. Much to my relief, I found no villain, at least not in the strictest sense of the word. I found The Tank, standing on a stool, which he is not supposed to do. That was not my biggest concern, however. He was also naked from the waist down and had one hand in a glass jar of granola, which he was shoveling into his mouth. Bits of granola flew from his mouth with each maniacal "HA!"

If you know anything about The Tank, you're probably wondering what he was doing with his other hand. Never one to be idle, he was waving a flower, or what was left of one. He had removed the longest stem from a lovely arrangement on the counter, plucked all the petals and tossed them on the ground. What? Did you think he was going to leave them in a neat pile or something? You are funny.

So, it was a bit of a mess, but pretty entertaining all the same. Kind of like my column in Free Times.

HAhaha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAA, HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Do you like how I snuck in the shameless plug? Read the article anyway! I just want you to like me!

Namasté, y'all!

* Baby J will now be referred to as "The Tank," in honor of my father-in-law, who called him that. And it fits. He has plowed through our lives, destroying everything in his path.