Please refrain from making love to your food in front of me.

One of my pet peeves (and there are many) is when people order in a restaurant by saying,

"I'm gonna' do the Grouper."

That just sounds filthy to me. May I suggest some alternatives?

"I would like to make mad passionate love to the Grouper."

"I'd like to hump the Grouper 'til the break of dawn."

"I'd like to do something to the Grouper that can be very special when a man and a woman are married."

"You should try the Grouper. I had a hot one night stand with it back in July."

"A la Marvin Gaye, I'd like to get it on with the Grouper."

How about a little Van Morrison?

"I wanna' make love to the Grouper tonight. I can't wait 'til the morning has come."

Why not take a page from the ever lovin' Smoove B?

"I would like to get freaky with the Grouper and her friend Cherise in my whirlpool."

Or Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock*.

"I would like to take the Grouper out back of the middle school and get it pregnant."

Just don't announce to the table that you're going to "do" the Grouper. That's disrespectful to the fish and classless. And weird. What you do in your own house, behind closed doors, is your business, but keep it out of my dining experience, m'kay? Whatever happened to a simple "I'd like the Grouper, please." It makes your intentions clear and even includes a charming "please" at the end.

Speaking of restaurant-related pet peeves, I have a few more.

• I don't like it when waiters refer to something on the menu as a "must-do." I rebel against that. I find myself wanting to stomp my foot and say, "Will not!" I refrain.
• Please don't interrupt my conversation to ask if I want more water. Just pour it. Or don't. Has anyone ever gotten mad that a waiter poured them some water without permission? Well, probably, because restaurant patrons can be jerks, but I won't get mad, so go for it.
• Loud talkers in restaurants are the worst. They never let their friends get a word in and they are always boring.
• Please don't ask me if I want to keep my knife. If I do, I'll wipe it off and slip it in my pocketbook. If you want me to keep it, let me know. Own your feelings.
  
• I know all about that study that showed waiters who use the phrase "for you" earn more money in tips, but you can overdo it. Don't use that phrase more than once each visit to the table.
• I don't get people who walk in looking unhappy and peruse the menu with pinched lips and a wrinkled nose. They listen to the specials with a scowl. Why go out at all if it makes you so miserable?
• I didn't like the lady who used to come into the restaurant where I worked with her hemorrhoid** pillow. I get that maybe she wanted to go out, in spite of the 'rhoids, but I couldn't help but judge her food choices. She put it out there! If I had hemorrhoids (which I never have!) and wanted to go out, I would strap the pillow on and wear a voluminous skirt. No one would be the wiser.
  

I'm sure there are more, but now I'm starting to sound picky. Like a patron I observed this weekend in a local restaurant. I'll spare you the details, but she had a complaint. The dish she had ordered wasn't prepared the way she was used to. That's fine. The waiter tried to correct the mistake, even offering to let her order something else. The dish in question is very popular and the staff let her know, very politely. She complained some more and, unsatisfied with the response, let loose with this zinger,

"Of all the places I've complained, I've never had this response."

She sounds like a fun date. Her date, in fact, was looking more than a little embarrassed. Wonder how long that one will last? She was really hot, so that might hold them together for a few more weeks, but can you imagine planning a wedding with this woman? The only advantage would be the potential for getting refunds galore from anyone who wanted her to just leave them alone. Worth it? Eh. She wasn't that hot.

Namasté, y'all!

* I LOVE YOU, TINA FEY!

** Thank you, Spell Check.