In which the solution is as horrifying as the problem (NOT for the Weak of Stomach!)

So, I was gittin' my hair did (as we say down heah) the other day and my fabulous stylist casually mentioned his friend who had recently purchased eight Geckos. For roach control. Although I have no intention of trying it, I had many, many questions. First of all, just how bad of a roach problem do you have to have to justify the addition of eight crawly, poopy things to your household? His friend, as I recall, paid around $50 for her Gecko stash, but it might have been $200, which is a lot of money. No word on whether or not they can talk.

Geckos, according to random sources on Google, can grow up to a foot long. And they poop, a lot, probably more if they're hoovering up mountains of insects. Neat. And just how does one control a free-roaming Gecko? I would be scared one would crawl on me at night. What if a roach crawled into your bed (trust me, it happens to the best of us) while you were sleeping. Sure, that's vile, but you would never know. Unless a wild, crap-happy Gecko was in hot pursuit. And what happens next? How messy is the capture and consumption? Does the Gecko go elsewhere to relieve him or herself afterwards? I think not. So, you're woken up by an attacking lizard, maybe with a steaming pile of dung on your pillow. Fun!

Google also informs me that Geckos must live in a warm climate, between 84 and 88 degrees. So...your house will be hot and filled with crap. Lizard crap. Apparently, the Gecko also indulges in the occasional mouse, but isn't mouse poop fairly innocuous compared to foot-long Gecko poop? The Gecko, by the way is a foot long, not their poop. At least I hope not. Now that I think about it, I don't really know. But I feel sure it's bigger than mouse poop, which is starting to sound cute, given the alternative.

How do you keep the Geckos in your house if they have to be free range? Do you put them away when you have guests? What if you can't find one of them? Do you warn your guests of the situation? Do you even have guests if you have that kind of roach problem to begin with? Do you even have any friends? Do they eat children? Do they chew on couches? Do they burrow in furniture, attacking if they're disturbed? Do they bark? This is all too much for me.

I think you have to be a lover of Geckos to do this. Otherwise, you might just call an exterminator. Or move to a new house. I wonder if they have Gecko Rescue organizations, for trend whores who get tired of their Geckos and release them into the wild. Can feral Geckos survive? I wonder if Rescue Geckos would be cheaper. Do people actually use Geckos as roach control or is it just an elaborate internet hoax? I have a tummy ache.

Namasté, y'all!