I don't want to get my husband pregnant.

There are those, according to some dubious sources, who find pregnancy sexy. I'm not one of them. Amazing, fascinating, thrilling and glorious? Absolutely! Sexy? Hell no. Since when is weight gain sexy? How about mood swings? Think those are hot? As if pregnancy wasn't bad enough, at the end you get a baby. Babies are great. Toddlers are adorable. But every (honest) couple in the world will tell you that sex after children is...different. I'll leave it at that.

This guy got pregnant and had a baby, which prompted me to ask my dear husband,

"What have you done for me lately?"

Washing the dishes or even rubbing my back won't cut it anymore. Thomas Beatie has raised the bar. Sure, he sort of still is used to be a chick. And I have yet to read anything about what kind of male equipment he has, but since there's not much sex after baby anyway, does it really matter*? The idea of my dear husband carrying another kid or two to add to our gang is intriguing.

But he's getting kind of old. In the world of obstetrics, he would be known as an "elderly primigravida," a person (must use gender neutral term here!) over the age of thirty five and pregnant for the first time. That's not sexy, especially not with whiskers and a receding hairline. And he's not used to struggling to lose a few pounds. Guys can take off five pounds in two days by switching to light beer. Wouldn't pregnancy change that? Listening to him complain about his weight would not be sexy. And he probably wouldn't even exercise through the pregnancy, since his fitness routine consists of Men's Tennis Night at the club followed (and enhanced) by a bunch of beer.

And how would I get him pregnant? I don't think I would get into the method that Beatie and his wife used, not even with candles and Barry White on the stereo. She inseminated him with donor sperm, using a syringe purchased from a veterinarian. The syringe, without a needle of course, was typically used to feed birds. Wow. That's hot. Not! By the way, do you like that the sperm was donated, but they had to pay for the syringe?

Speaking of weight, I seem to have put on a few pounds in the last year. It is very annoying to take off all the baby weight and have even a fraction of it sneak back up on you. So I'm going on a diet. I like that low carb thing, because I hate to feel deprived. I probably won't lose any weight, but I'm probably exaggerating my weight gain, so what does it matter? I'm starting this new, healthier way of eating right now, with a crustless(!) leek and mushroom quiche. With Brie. And heavy cream. Those are two very diet-ish foods, aren't they?

Dietetic Leek, Mushroom and Brie Quiche

Start with a few leeks. Mine were not too big, so I used six.


Slice them into half-inch pieces while you heat a chunk of butter and a splash of olive oil in a pan. Add the leeks to the pan and let them cook for about five minutes, stirring occasionally so they don't stick.

Add 2 or 3 cups of sliced fancy mushrooms (like crimini, portabella and shiitake) to the pan and cook until they're tender, about three more minutes. Sprinkle chopped fresh chives and thyme over them and add a few shakes of salt and white pepper.


Dump that mixture into a quiche dish. Cut an eight ounce wheel of Brie, rind removed, into chunks and put them on top of the leek mixture. Don't throw away the rind. You can start your diet early and nibble on it while the quiche is in the oven.


In a bowl, mix 4 eggs, 1/2 cup of heavy cream and a dollop of good mustard. Pour that over the leeks and Brie.


At some point, you will have turned your oven to 375°. So cook your healthy meal. Check on it after 30 minutes. If it's nowhere near set, cook it a few minutes more. If it's close, pull it out and let it cool on the counter. It'll continue to cook for a bit.


And here we have a dinner that will put you well on the way to losing that last few pounds. At the suggestion of my trainer, I served it with a shot of Vodka and a glass of white wine**. I photographed the meal with flowers because, much like pregnancy, dieting and white wine, flowers are for ladies!


Namasté, y'all!

* Please know, dear childless reader, that I'm exaggerating. There is plenty of sex after baby, even if it isn't quite what you remembered. Or as often. And you have to drink a little more to be talked into it.

** To be fair, this is not quite what my trainer suggested. In fact, she would not endorse this quiche. Something about the fat content. I don't understand all that nutrition mumbo jumbo, do you? She did, after much pressure from me, admit that white wine and vodka are the only two options for ladies who want to drink more than average and stay thin. She didn't recommend serving them together. But she didn't say not to, either.