Why not just tell her the truth?(Alternate Title: There are some kooky people on television.)

I can't remember what the show was called. It was a variation on the Regis and Perky MILF Show. There were two hosts, one an older, sort of goofy guy, the other a younger, hot-but-in-a-non-threatening-way mommy-type. The subject was Dating Boot Camp. As usual, it was directed towards women who, you know, are terrible at picking up men in bars. Frankly, you have to be pretty horrifying to be unable to pick up a drunk guy in a bar, but the experts weren't divulging that little tidbit. They had all sorts of excellent advice.

• Don't use big hand gestures. Small ones are more feminine (Translation: Not too scary for the drunk guy.)
• Personal space is something to be micro-managed. Move in close. Now back away. Not so fast. Move in one half of one inch. Now back up one inch. (This could backfire. You might end up looking like you have to go to the bathroom. Or worse.)
  
• Look at him. Look away. Make a coy face, like you're all,"Oops! Silly me got caught checking out your fabulous face! Teehee!" Now do it again. Advanced technique includes, but is not limited to, blushing on cue. (I seriously doubt most men would notice all this drama. Or maybe they just weren't that into me.)
• Don't make unattractive faces. Try to look pretty.

Which reminded me of my friend in high school, who was not the nicest friend ever.

"You know," she kindly informed me, "The reason boys don't think you're pretty is because you make funny faces when you tell stories. I mean, I know it makes the story better, but everyone thinks you're ugly."

Well, actually, I did not know boys didn't think I was pretty. I thought they were just intimidated, at least that's what I told myself as I stumbled through adolescence, more or less dateless until I was old enough to drink legally. And my stories were funny, although those ugly faces might have something to do with the fact that I crave Botox now. Eventually, I found boys who were man enough to laugh at my jokes and quick enough to see a flash of pretty in between the ugly faces. Or maybe pretty just wasn't a priority. Who cares? In any case, I think my friend was just jealous or maybe a bit self-centered. Another time, when I was crying over an enormous zit, she comforted me.

"Well, you're lucky. Your skin isn't super smooth like mine, so people probably don't even notice when you have a zit. Everyone notices when I do, because my skin is so perfect."

She was full of insight. It was great to know I was so hideous that a monster zit made absolutely no difference. I didn't keep in touch with her after high school, but I hear she turned out very pretty. It's not always wrong to employ subterfuge. Sometimes it can be genius. A friend of mine in college once found an excuse to bring up the Mariana Trench in a conversation with a boy she liked. As she brushed her fingers against his face, she said,

"Isn't is scary to think about all the creatures in the Mariana Trench? It would be so dark, you would have no idea what they looked alike. You could just feel them brushing against your face. Unless one of them bit you. Then you would be in horrible pain and probably die!"

As if you wouldn't die just from wandering around the bottom of the ocean. I hear the water pressure's pretty hard-core down there. This was a great technique, by the way. As far as I know, they're still together. I'm sure she wouldn't mind any of you single ladies using it. Boys love smart girls who are into creepy stuff like unimaginable sea creatures.

Anyhow, the subject of Dating Boot Camp was a very obnoxious woman. She talked too loud, interrupted everyone and spit a little when she talked. Also, she needed more lipstick. No one told her any of that, though. They just stuck her with a bunch of rules she had already forgotten by the time the show taped. Then again, I talk too loud and interrupt (and very occasionally spit when I talk) and I found a hot boy who likes me anyway. So maybe she should just stay out of bars and hope for the best. And learn some funny stories. Boys like funny stories, ugly faces and all.

Namasté, y'all!