Dear Loud Yoga Breather.

I like you, really. And I think you are very good at Yoga, even though we're not supposed to say someone is good at Yoga. But I can't keep this in any longer. You breathe kind of loud. Actually, more than "kind of". I believe it's fair to describe your breathing as "very loud." Perhaps it could even be described as "so effing loud I couldn't hear the teacher". Seriously.

You are not the only person in the world who knows how to do Ujjayi breathing. And your extreme breathing puts pressure on the rest of us. I almost suffered brain damage today as I, unconsciously, tried to match my breathing to yours. And I felt very nervous during headstand, when your loud-ass breathing became shaky. I was afraid you were going to have a stroke. I'm pretty sure there's some sort of Yoga rule that says you really aren't supposed to work quite that hard. It's not a breathing contest, okay? There's no prize for "Loudest Breathing Ever". If there was, however, you would so totally win. Now that we've all acknowledged that, can you stop with the insane breathing? Please?

It's said that the Ujjayi breath should sound like the ocean. Maybe you breathe loud because you're West Coast and you want to school all us East Coast Yogis in how lame our ocean is. Ain't no Ujjayi like a West Coast Ujjayi, 'Cuz a West Coast Ujjayi don't stop! Consider us schooled. I promise never to think the Atlantic is as cool as the Pacific again. Y'all's waves are gnarlier and you have more species of Salmon (and it's more likely to be wild caught!). I know. It's cool. You don't have to breathe like an Iron Lung to prove it.

Namasté, y'all! (Yup, even you, you loud-ass Yoga Breather!)