Things That Are Putting Me Over the Edge (Alternate Title: ADD, much?)

1. My sweet grandmother wants a picture of the boys. This is a totally reasonable request. It's been so long since I ordered any pictures that my computer interrupted the process and the pictures won't load. I know I need to figure out why our computer runs so slow and I know I could just order one or two pictures, but that's not working for me. I will pay someone to do this for me, seriously. Do you know how bad it makes me feel that I am completely unable to give the nicest Grandmother in the world something so simple as a picture?

2. My mother in law is coming tomorrow, which means I'll have no privacy for a couple of days and everything I do will be noticed and commented on. And there will be crumbs and coffee splatters all over my house. And I'll have to ask her twenty times what her plans are because we'll need to rearrange our schedule to fit hers.

3. I just turned on an old Dora DVD in an attempt to distract Baby J and it worked, for about one minute. That was nice, but it totally depressed me and made me feel like a crap parent. And it didn't even really work.

4. I have a couple of those owie things in my mouth that I get from not getting enough sleep.

5. I haven't been getting enough sleep.

6. My husband got the baby dressed before he left...in pajamas. So I have to change him into something else, creating more laundry, which I need to pay someone to do. And I don't want to take it to one of those drop off places because I'm afraid they wouldn't sort it right.

7. I feel fat.

8. I don't like keeping other people's secrets.

9. I really need the information to order Holiday cards and gift baskets for my husband's office and he is too busy to give it to me right this second.

10. I need to plan his birthday party and our post-Thanksgiving party and I...I don't know. I'm thinking of just getting them both catered.

11. No one has called about the babysitting job I posted. Gah!

12. Baby J needs a room. He has a room, but I haven't done anything to it but have it painted. I need to organize his clothes, put the bed together, buy a rug and pick out window treatments. Maybe shutters?

13. I'd rather buy Baby J new clothes than go through the boys' old stuff. But that would be wrong, so I just keep dressing him in the same three outfits, which are very cute, but still. Someone's bound to notice and report me.

14. Last week, a mom I know dropped off this thing she made and wants to sell. It involves velcro and rings and is meant to be used on a stroller or carseat to hold toys. She also left a long questionnaire that I'm supposed to fill in after using the thing for a week. Some of it's multiple choice, but there are some essay questions, too. I really do not want to do it, but she didn't ask and it seems petty to refuse. Currently, the thing is hooked to a table leg in our kitchen and has been completely ignored. But it taunts me.

15. Everyone else is smart and I'm not.

Perhaps someone would like to make me feel better by buying me this. And if you think it wouldn't work, you give me far too much credit. I'm shallow and easily distracted. I've found that when I'm having feelings of doom and gloom, they can usually be traced to something I'm not doing. In college, everything seemed horrible when I had a paper hanging over my head. Now that I'm responsible for other people, there are usually several things I should be doing. What I've discovered is that I only need one thing to look forward to to lift the cloud. Last week, I was looking forward to getting my new shirt. Then I got to look forward to wearing it. I'm looking forward to going out to celebrate my friend Sylvia's birthday tomorrow, but that's only good for one day, so I need something else. Suggestions?

Maybe I need some harmless drama. It's always fun to watch harmless drama unfold. This summer, the very conservative politician Thomas Ravenel was busted right here in my state for the not-so-morally-superior crime of cocaine distribution. One of our very liberal lawyer friends was at the beach with his family, without internet access. He called to get the scoop and I ended up getting to play paralegal while the actual lawyer in our house changed a diaper. Our friend wanted me to read the actual statute, so he could understand the potential penalties. I also got to read all the different accounts I could find on the internet while he chortled into the phone. Choking back laughter, he said, "This is amazing. I don't even need to be on vacation! This is going to be like a week of vacation!" I totally get that and I admire his self-deprecation. It takes a big man to own up to schadenfreude. And we've all experienced it, some of us in less mature ways than others. How fun is it when the girl who was mean to you in high school turns up fat and pasty?

Unfortunately, there's no harmless drama to be had. I need a scandal, darn it! I can't even let myself be titillated by Britney these days, because it's just more of the same and there are children involved. I'd even take some internet drama. That's how desperate I am for something to focus on. Maybe I need a job. Eh, maybe not.

Namasté, y'all.