Not All Men Are Alike, Really.

My husband and I went to a wedding last night. It was a blast: lots of people we hadn't seen in a while, lots of Greek family traditions and an open bar. Perhaps it was the open bar that led our friend B's date to announce, as she waved her drink in his direction, that all men love a certain sexual act that I prefer not to name here. The act itself isn't particularly important, but let's just say it's not in most people's normal repertoire. I have no personal experience, but I think it's a special occasion sort of thing for some couples. B. had been out with his date a few times before, very casually. I'm pretty sure we're past the age of the drunken hook-up and I think their relationship is more or less platonic. She needed a date to the wedding and he knew at least a few people that were also invited, so he was a good candidate. Also, he looks fairly dashing in a suit and is quick with witty repartee. After his date's sweeping generalization, which seemed to specify B., he threw up his hands, crying, "Whoa! While that theory may or may not be true, you certainly do not know that about me!" I choked on my (third or fourth, but who's counting) drink. Can you fault a guy for defending himself?

Sweeping generalizations irritate me. Aside from their frequent inaccuracy, I think they're pointless. What does it matter if (almost) every guy is into something if your guy isn't?* I suspect that human sexual preference is as varied as, well, humans. My sister in law and I went to a very embarrassing party once. It was one of those things where you have to buy something, which is embarrassing enough, but this was worse, because the items for sale were things you would need to keep in a lock box. And there was an inspirational speaker at the beginning, who was under the assumption that married women with kids don't have sex. And it was insulting because, in spite of the fact that most of us have managed to get pregnant a few times, she seemed to believe that we had no idea how to get laid be charming. Sadly for her, she also thinks it's way harder to do than it actually is.

And here was the big secret:

"LADIES!"

Insert fake, lasvicious tone of voice and facial expression here.

"THERE ARE THREE THINGS"

Imagine lasvicious lady holding up three fingers and swiveling her fairly ample hips.

"THAT EVERY. MAN. LOVES."

That's a lot of research. Slut.

"I GUARANTEE, that if you do THESE THREE THINGS, your MAN will be THRILLED!"

Oh, yay. Tell me more. Wait...does she know my husband?

"NUMBER ONE! WEAR. RED. LIPSTICK."

"TWO! HIGH HEELS!!"

"THREE!"

You know what's coming. The cliché must be fulfilled. Wait for it.

"LACY LINGERIE!!"

Perhaps some men, maybe even a lot of men, would be over the moon. At the after party, however, several of us old hags agreed that our husbands weren't quite that obvious. A few years ago, I had the flu or something and threw on denim overalls, a white tank top and my combat boots. The outfit, combined with my ashen complexion and unbrushed hair, sent my former Grunge-Girl-Loving husband over the edge. He followed me around like a...never mind. That's private.

To him, red lipstick looks messy, high heels look uncomfortable and lacy lingerie looks itchy. I wear all three of those things at times, although usually not all together and always in conjunction with actual clothes. To an old married guy, those things usually mean that the baby sitter's there and you need to hurry because you're going to be late for some fancy thing they had to dress up for. My husband would rather go to our favorite brew pub and drink a few beers with his overall-clad date (me, I hope!). Unfortunately for him, I think the overalls make me look fat now and I won't wear them, except for on special occasions.

Oh, by the way, this is for ladies who like to make public announcements about what all men like when they're at home:

You might want to consider choosing your words more carefully. When you make those statements and don't back them up with actual research, you imply that you've done the research yourself. Not pretty!

On an unrelated and depressing note, I was talking to another old friend at the wedding who paid me the the ultimate backhanded compliment. Apparently, I look just great for an old broad with a bunch of kids. Ouch! And I was wearing high heels, red lipstick and lacy lingerie. But he couldn't see the lacy lingerie, so maybe the partial package just wasn't enough!

Namasté y'all!

*Did that sound too Cosmo-ish? Cosmo is and always has been the reigning champion of sweeping generalizations about male and female sexuality.