Things That Always Make Me Laugh

I need this today.

*The phrase "busier than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest" cracks me up. And spare me the comments about how mean it is. Whateva!

*Almost anything the ladies on Saturday Night Live do cracks me up. Some skits that come to mind:

Amy Poehler in The Swan

The Woomba commercial. I can't even think of Tina Fey saying “It cleans my business – my lady business - and I like that,” without cracking up.

Maya Rudolph as the single, pregnant woman power singer

Maya Rudolph as Oprah and/or Donatella Versace

*My husband doing the thing where he stands behind a counter and pretends to walk down the stairs. He just squats lower and lower to the ground with each step. Trust me, it's funny.

*My brother in law dressing up in too tight clothes and exposing himself to company. For example, my husband and I stopped by for a drink one night and, when we got there, my sister in law invited us to sit down and said G was in the shower and would be down soon. He finally joined us, wearing tight white long john bottoms and a green tank top belonging to his wife. He still did the joke of pretending that he was surprised to see us. He has also rocked a Speedo and tight, flesh colored swim trunks that his dad left at the beach house. He's a legend. My sister in law will help him set the joke up and play along with it. That's important in a marriage.

*This joke: A bear and a bunny are crapping side by side, in the woods. The bear says, "Hey, do you ever have problems with shit getting stuck in your fur?" The bunny says, "No! That's gross." So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass with him. I had trouble typing that because I was laughing so hard.

*Thinking about this one time when the X-Man got mad at me and my husband. He was about five years old and possessed enough reason to not want to get in trouble. I can't remember what he was mad about, but he said, "Oooooooh!" and wiped his hand on my husband's leg, before walking out of the room, with his knees bent and his tiny hiney sticking out, like a duck. We think he wanted to hit my husband and, at the last moment, settled for the hand wipe, which could hardly be used as evidence against him. "Son, you may not say 'Oooooooh!' and wipe your hand on your Dad." Nope, just doesn't work.

*Making my husband crack up, like when I imitate people, like our children's grandparents and some of our friends. I'd give more detail, but I don't want to incriminate myself.

*Thinking or talking about the first time my now brother in law visited. We were waiting for him in the car, while he looked for his jacket inside. My brother B was going to find the jacket, wear it and, no matter what, insist that it was his. And we were all going to be in on it, calling the hapless suitor a freak for trying to steal my brother's jacket. We didn't do it, because we were laughing too hard. But it would have been funny. Is it odd that I relish the idea of making the significant others of my sisters feel uncomfortable, but I would never do the same to my brother's girlfriend?

*The Copying Game. You know, when you repeat everything someone says. One time at my parents' house, I was doing it to my husband while he rambled on about something totally boring. He tried to ignore me, but my brother was on the couch watching football and laughing. It was gratifying. That game is so funny, always.

*"D*ck in a Box" from Saturday Night Live. Here you go:


*That's what she said.

*My friend Mariah. And Lee. And Sylvia. And Virginia. And Kara. And all the rest of my friends, on any given day.

*My sisters and my brother. And I think this is a sibling thing, because my mom thinks her brothers are funny. They kind of are, but maybe more amongst themselves. On a sad note, my mom's older brother died recently and, although I know they miss him for many reasons, I bet they really miss laughing with him. I always say that only your siblings get what it was like to live with your parents and grow up in your town. And that can be pretty funny. I'm so happy to have my sister in law for the same reason; she gets what it's like to be married to someone who was raised by my in-laws.

*Pot. Just kidding. I don't break the law. Anymore.

*Farts.

And on that note, this list is only going downhill from here, so I better stop before I destroy my image as a mature, sophisticated Diva.

Namasté, y'all!